So many titles. I am wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, counselor and a pastor. Somehow these titles can jack us up and make us think we need to be stronger than we are. “Sure,” they say “you can have a bad day, week, month or season but since you’re a (insert your title here) ___________________, you are tough and you can easily fight through anything. You always seem to have a smile on your face no matter what is going on- it seems so simple for you.”
Wives, moms, daughters, sisters, friends, counselors, pastors and _________________ we are all human. Right now as I am working through my brokenness, I am all too aware of how human I really am.
The last few months have been so erratic that words fall short when I try to describe them. The things that have happened wouldn’t even happen in a dramatic novel written with crazy twists and turns. Hence the FEELINGS that I’d been having.
Some of you may have noticed, but I’ve been awfully quiet on my blog recently- simply because I was afraid. I was scared I was going to spew nothing but emotional nonsense. Once those words are out there in cyber world, there’s no getting them back. It’s like squeezing shaving cream out of a bottle and then trying to put it back in. It’s just not possible. So I decided not to squeeze the bottle of my emotions at that time- not to put them on the page while they were still fresh. Those emotions were so raw. I had given power to my feelings and had allowed my feelings to dictate my life. Even worse, I was allowing myself to be defined by my feelings. This created a world of chaos not just for me, but for those closest to me.
amhave FELT tired.
amhave FELT drained.
amhave FELT empty.
amhave FELT frustrated.
amhave FELT worn.
don’thave FELT as if I’ve got nothing left to pour out into others.
Driving in my car last week, tears pouring down my face, feeling in need of direction and answers. I had an honest, totally transparent conversation with God. I was telling Him how I angry I was, how disappointed and hurt I was. That my heart was heavy and burdened. That I was tired of all the negative feelings going through my heart and head. That I didn’t know if I could battle through this fight much longer.
And just like God. He knew what to drop in my spirit in that moment. A song came on the radio that silenced the voice in my head…
I’ve seen many searching for answers far and wide
But I know we’re all searching
For answers only you can provide
Cause you know just what we need
Before we, we say a word
You’re a Good, Good Father
It’s who you are, it’s who you are, it’s who you are
And I’m loved by you
It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am.
“I am loved by you.” That’s who I am. I am loved by my Father.
In spite of the fact you feel worn down. You are loved.
In spite of the fact you messed up. You are loved.
In spite of the fact you have been self-centered. You are loved.
In spite of the fact you have focussed on the negative. You are loved.
In spite of all your faults, fears & failures. You are STILL loved by your Heavenly Father. Because He is Love and He is Good.
As I type this I realize how grateful I am that we are not defined by our feelings. We may FEEL them, but that is not who we are. We need to be confident that we are loved by our Heavenly Father. When we are confident of that, we can have faith that He knows just what we need before we say a word.
Colossians 3:12 “Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.”
So I wake up praying. Praying against the feelings that I felt yesterday. I’m praising God for a new day and renewed strength. Praying to be clothed with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. And I’m Praying for More. Of. Him. Reminding myself that this too shall pass. Until then, He WILL carry me through.
Feelings are temporary but God and His love for us never changes.
This is all temporary however, God and His love never change. So I need to continue to pursue Him and allow Him to be my Rock, Anchor, Encourager, Healer, Friend and my Everything. If I have more of Him, there will be less of me- which means less focus on my drama, more focus on Him, His Goodness and His love for me.
He is a good good Father. That’s who He is. And I am defined by Him and His love for me. That’s who I am.